Parenting in Anxious Times: How to Talk to Your Kids and Remain Calm
The tragic anti-Semitic shooting in a Pittsburgh synagogue, two African-Americans shot in a Kentucky grocery store, pipe-bombs sent in the mail…how do we talk to our kids about recent events in today’s world? As parents, it’s easy to feel frightened, frustrated and angry. What’s appropriate to share with our kids and when? How do we remain calm while navigating this unpredictable and scary terrain?
FSG Clinical Director Kathy Livingston and Rabbi Wendi Geffen of North Shore Congregation Israel facilitated a conversation earlier this week which occurred due to the anti-Semitic shooting in Pittsburgh. The synagogue and FSG wanted to provide parents with a safe place to discuss their worries and concerns about talking with their children after such a horrible event. Here are some tips from The Academy for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) for talking with your children and grandchildren about tragedy, and tips from FSG on how to remain hopeful and calm despite the news.
Preschool: Depending on what your preschooler has been exposed to (TV, hearing older siblings talk) he/she may ask repetitive questions or may go about their day as if nothing has occurred. If you need to answer questions, keep your answers short and clear.
Ages 5 to 9: You might get lots of why questions: “Why did they shoot the people?” “Why does someone hate?” Be honest if you don’t know. Encourage questions from your kids.
Ages 10 to 12: Kids in this age group may have talked with their friends about current events. You could ask, “What are you hearing from your friends?” This is a good way to open the conversation. And kids may not want to talk about the event. Letting them know you are available if/when they want to talk is important.
Age 13 and over: Many teens in this age group will want to talk about the event, and discussions about the news can result in stimulating conversations. Be sure you show your teen you’re listening to what he/she is saying. Teens want to be heard but some may not want to discuss the event or may want to argue about certain points.
The most important thing you can do for your kids is process your emotions first so that when you are talking with your child you are present and focused on what he/she is telling you. Parents should express sadness and anger, and it’s important to label those feelings for kids, but you don’t want to be an emotional mess so that your child needs to take care of you. Self-care is key: seek out friends and family for your own conversations, take a break from the news, try and practice some mindfulness techniques even if it’s just some deep breathing. Tending to your own emotional needs away from your children will build your resilience so you in turn can help your child build his/her own.
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